discovery

the end.

this is me.
take it or leave it.
i’m here to stay.

jon.

you’re barely in this picture, and that’s how i want you in my life — non-existent.

you used to be one of my best friends.
you hurt me a lot.
you caused me to fight multiple times with my best friend.
and now you’re causing her emotional pain.

you don’t have control over me. you never did. but you tried, and i didn’t fall for it.
you blamed all your misery on me, but you were the one causing it for yourself.

your name isn’t even joseph smith. for unknown reasons, you didn’t put up your real name.
i guess that shows how much you truly know yourself.
at least i know who i am now while you’re still stuck.

you don’t deserve sympathy. you’re meaningless.
so many memories good and bad are in my head, but none matter anymore.
you’re gone from my life.

but you made me stronger.

my RU family
—kelly&johnny q

before i met you two, i was so afraid of going to rutgers.
to know that i was being forced to go to a school that was way too big for me, and exactly the opposite of all the other schools that i applied to (i didn’t want lecture halls! hell no, it’s not for me!)

for some reason i had the impression in my head that all rutgers kids would be stuck up.
i met you two, and my thoughts changed. i have had SO many memories, laughs, and serious, helpful conversations with these two.

kelly is exactly the perfect roommate that i could have asked for.
all i knew was that if i was going to rutgers by force, the best thing i could have would be a roommate i could be best friends with. ever since the first moment kelly and i started talking online, i had no doubt in my mind that we would be perfect as roommates, best friends, and we would have amazing times next year.

as for johnny, kelly and i met him together after our academic placement testing.
it was so random that we would meet someone we knew and remembered off of the rutger’s facebook group, but it happened. all of a sudden, i found myself having the best and most fun two best friends already at rutgers, and school hasn’t even started yet.

these two have helped me so much to realize my full potential, that i am actually worth something, and that i am a true friend that will stay by them throughout school next year and life’s ups&downs. these two amaze me everyday, and that won’t ever stop.

this is the good life.

my friends, my friends — they get me through so much.
stress relievers, source of joy, listeners, the best people i have in my life.

this year has been a first for me. i had the best year.
besides school work, stress, and a few rare times, i was mostly smiling all year ‘round because of these amazing people. they have taught me to let go of my fears and worries and just.let.go.

because of them, i am now able to be carefree, but careful.
fun, yet aware of when i need to be serious.

without my friends in my life and all the laughter that i’ve had this year between double lunches&studies, hanging out after school, and basically just being with them in general, i don’t know where else i would be right now.

from gracey, to krysten, to hannah, to pattie, to zohra, to matt, to nick, to kat, to steve, to my, to kelly, to rebecca, to johnny q, to jazzy, to anyone else that i’ve missed out on naming — all of you are amazing and have influenced me so much. don’t ever forget that.

grace.kim
biff; whitelady; wl’03; lovebugs

basically, you complete me.
6 long years of having this girl be my best friend has made me realize that i never would ever ever ever want to lose someone as special as her. next year will be a first for us — not having the other around. we’re 2 hours away.but this year has been a struggle for us. ups and downs, twists and turns, we made out it alive. surviving. together. even better than before. nothing can break us. not even our first fight after 6 long years of peace. this girl has always and will always be my truest friend. the one who stuck by my side when everyone else could care less. she is the ears and eyes that i give her back in return, and i wouldn’t expect it any other way.

this year more than others, she became the person who knows the real me almost as well as i thought i knew myself. she has made me speak my mind. she has been a huge influence on the person that i am today, and i am so grateful for that. there is so much more that i could say about her, but i just want to get directly the point.

without her, i would never be who i am today.
that is all.

i hope that everyone can have the experience of having a best friend like her at least once in their lifetimes.

guess who.

that is such a fake smile.
and i mean for both of us.
even though i was at my uncle’s house on the other side of my family,
and even though i love my family on my dad’s side,
i still have to fake a smile and act like everything is okay when you’re near.

you make me feel suffocated.
you make me feel like i’m no good, i never will be good enough.
you make me feel worthless.
during my home life, you have not done anything to make me feel like i have changed this year.

however, you made me stronger. i have no problem speaking my mind now, especially about you.
i have been able to express all the pain that you have caused me through my doc for soc project.
you have made me feel independent enough to be ready to leave the house and go off to college,
Rutgers, of course, as per your own forcing. you always try to get your way with everything, and you have taught me not to give in to you and give you want you want. you don’t deserve me. you never will deserve me and everything that i am, have tried to be, and have succeeded at. you don’t appreciate anything and nothing will ever ever ever be good enough to your standards, so i have given up completely with trying to make you happy.

i am my own person, and i don’t need you controlling my life anymore.
goodbye.